With the flow comes the ebb. We have all experienced a friendship that gradually dissolves-one that may have been a part of your life for a long time,but for whatever reason doesn’t fit into it anymore. Less often,these friendships end because of an event,like an insurmountable disagreement. In each case,you make an evaluation of the friendship—either consciously or subconsiously and take steps to make it more comfortably distant in your life.
Accepting the demise of friendship means being realistic about life’s ups and downs. But what of loyalty,you might ask? What of sticking with your friends through thick and thin? Hear this: loyalty is an important,essential trait to being a good friend. However, we feel that taking a solemn oath that a-friend-now-is-a-friend-forever is more restrictive than helpful. People and situations inevitable change in ways that also alter friendships as well. You are entitled to amend your opinion about someone over time, whether or not the person has said or done something to directly affect you,or has simply turned into a person with values different from your own. As your mother might ask , “If your friend jumps off a cliff, do you follow him or her?” A pure loyalist might answer “yes” . A healthier answer is “no”. Even the best of friends may grow to find that their once-compatible beliefs are no longer in sync. Sometimes that disparity is stronger than any bond of formed earlier in life,and phasing out a friendship on those grounds—something Sally refers to as “spring cleaning” –is okay. In fact, it’s normal and healthy—as sensible as getting rid of something in your closet that doesn’t fit you anymore.
The ebb and flow of friendship is rarely more obvious than when a person from the past comes back into your life. We may seek out these old friends if we’re passing through their city or have circumstantial reason to re-connect; simply curiosity can often fuel the search as well. It is so interesting to find out how someone has changed, or more often than not, stayed the same. It’s miraculous that we sometimes find ourselves in wonderful,adult friendships with people who may have missed several eras of our lives.
The opposite situation can be very unrewarding, if not existentially disappointing, if you aren’t careful to shelter your feelings. Re-connecting with a long lost pal,only to find out that he is no longer the fair, open-minded guy you knew in college,is no fun at all. No matter the turnout, reconnecting with old friends serves many purposes in our own personal self-growth, and can be valued as one of life’s great experiences.
While learning to value the ebb and flow is more a philosophical concept than a hard-and-fast rule,it is key to enjoying all the pleasures of friendship. Without the acceptance that friendships, like life, take twists and turns that aren’t always pleasant, you risk falling into an endless cycle of getting hurt or feeling embittered. Friendship come and go,and that’s entirely okay.
from "the art of friendship" by Roger Horchow and Sally Horchow
附上自译文：
学会放手
潮落会有潮起，我们都经历过友谊的逐渐结束消失——这个可能在很长时间里面会成为我们生活的一部分，但无论出于什么原因不适合它了。很少的时候，这些友谊仅仅因为一些小事而结束，就像一个无法克服的意见不一。在每一次，你自觉地或潜意识地对友谊作出评价，而且采取措施让它在你的生活中处于更舒服的距离。
接受友谊的结束意味着生活浮沉的现实，但也许你会问：什么是忠诚？什么让你坚持和你朋友在一起？请听清楚这个：作为好朋友，忠诚是一个很重要而且必不可少的特征。然而，我们感觉到，抱着一个“现在是朋友就永远是朋友”的神圣誓言对我们只是一种限制而没有任何的帮助。人们和环境无可避免会发生各种各样的变化，友谊也一样。你有权随着时间的过去而改变你对朋友的看法，无论这个人是否说了或做了什么事直接影响到你，或者仅是这个人的价值观跟你不一样了。就好象你母亲可能会问你：如果你的朋友跳进一个悬崖里，你会不会跟着跳？一个纯粹的忠诚主义者会回答“是”，一个更有益更好的回答是“不”。 即使最好的朋友也会随着长大最终发现他们曾经很合拍的信仰不再同步。有时候，相异是更好的纽带，这在生命的早期就已经形成，而在一些场合中逐渐淘汰一些朋友是正常的——就如Sally 提到的“spring cleaning” （春天大扫除）。事实上，那是很平常的，很健康的，就如在你的衣橱里面去掉一些不再适合你的东西一样合理。
友谊的结束和开始不会比一个人从过去回到你的生活中更明显，我们会找到这些老朋友如果我们经过他们的城市或者因为不可知的某些理由而重新联系，或仅仅是好奇心激起我们去寻找。当我们发现一个人发生了多大的变化是如此的有趣，或者往往没有任何变化。有时候发现我们自己跟一个可能已经在我们的生活中消失了好几个世纪的人有一段极好成熟的友谊，那简直是一个奇迹。
如果不想失望，如果你不在乎掩饰你的情感，这种对立的事情是非常不值得去做的。重新跟一个消失很久的朋友联系，只会发现他不再是你在大学里面认识的那个公正而思想开明的家伙，那根本一点乐趣都没有。无论结果是怎样，跟一个老朋友联系在我们的个人成长中起到很好的作用，而且会成为我们生活中的一个宝贵经验。
当学会如何看待潮起潮落，这是一个比务必遵守的规则更有哲学性的概念，它是享受友谊所有快乐的关键。如果没有接受友谊就像生活那样不总是欢乐还会有曲折，你将会陷进一个没完没了的受伤或怨恨循环中的险境。
而友谊的来来去去，是完全正常的。
