English joke: My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player

English joke: My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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new words:

1.Whorehouse: whore house. The place of porn. Relative letters:whoredom, the same with whorehouse;whoreson, for curse.

2.attorney:lawyer

A little poet: who care?

WHO CARES?
                     --Diane Collett
As the clouds move in the skies,
I listen to the Indians' cries.

It hurts my heart and tears my soul,
How can the whites be so cold?

Do they not care what they have done?
Can't they hear the cries of the little ones?

One by one they're fading away,
Their land was taken in a passing day.

But I want you to know someone does care.
I wish I could have only been there.

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I found this poem in a book with the name "savage honor", which I'm reading for English learning.

Einestein quote of the day: pfenning and idea

Einestein quote of the day: pfennig and idea

If I give you a pfennig, you will be one pfennig richer and I'll be one pfennig poorer. But if I give you an idea, you will have a new idea, but I shall still have it, too.

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new words:
pfennig:  芬尼，German penny

English joke: respectfully cheating

English joke: respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

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English learning: new words
anniversary: celebration of a year
tricky: (job)difficult,hard
surgeon: doctor
surgery: operation

sentences:
1.have you ever cheated on me?
2.I respect you even more than ever.
3.I couldn't have a more wonderful wife.
4.I couldn't be more moved.

English joke: Two blondes

English joke: Two blondes

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''

The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''

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English learning: new words
1. blonde: the beauty that with golden hair and blue eyes.
2. Avenue: road, street.
3. twitter: speaks in a pretty way.

Einstein quote

Einstein quote of the day:

I love to travel, but hate to arrive.

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A funny remark. If you do think so, any travel must be happy to you. Also, more than travel.

English Joke: Tough love

English Joke: Tough love

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

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new words:
Tough: hard, rough
oatmeal: 燕麦(粥)
raisin: 葡萄干
crawl: 爬行
stagger: 蹒跚，摇摇晃晃（地走）
wrinkled: 干皱的
smack:hit
yell: shout

English Joke: Chastity Belt

English Joke: Chastity Belt

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?' " he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

==================================
new words:
holy crusade: 十字军东征。Everyone who knows a little about the history of Europe should familiar with it.
chastity belt: A kind of underwear.  The husbands let  their  wife  to wear it, so that the  woman  can't  copulate with  others.  But  she can pee of course:)

English saying:Beggars can't be choosers.

每日一词

subtle　 (a.) 不明显的;微微的;隐约的

Body language is sometimes subtle, so watch closely!
肢体语言有时不太明显,所以要注意看。

每日一句

Beggars can't be choosers.
乞丐没有选择的余地。人穷志短。有实力才有自由。

　　这个短短的句子在英语和汉语的语境中都常常听到，汉语中类似的说法还有，"要来的饭别嫌馊"，"乞丐没的挑"。英文的解释是，beggars have to accept whatever they get. A poor person has very few choices in life.（乞丐不得不接受他们多得到的。一个贫穷的人在生活中很少有选择的余地。）如今，这句话更多是作为励志的形式出现，告诉人们，生活中胜利的永远是强者，乞求是无法得到尊重的。

Three English poems

Below is three English poems, which I learned it from the Enyglish Lession tonight. The poem is easy to read and remember, so it's a good material for English learniing. What is more, the second one is not so easy to understand. Using your heart to read it:)
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Brotherhood

Brotherhood is always around.
It's in the city, it's in the town.n
It's in the country and everywhere.
It's a kind of blessing the we should share.
--------------------------------------------------------

To my mother
                   Robert Louis Stevenson
You too, my mother, read my rhymes
    for love of unforgotten times.
And you my chance to hear once more
    the little feet along the floor.

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Friendship

I met a little friend
    Who came from another land
I couldn't speak his language
   But I took him by the hand
We sang together
    And have such fun!
Singging is a language
   You can speak with anyone.

some quote of the day

Leadership quote of the day:
Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. ~ Dwight Eisenhower

Einstain quote of the day:
The release of atomic power has changed everything except our way of thinking ... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker. (1945)

JOKE:What animal is this

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

NAIL IN THE FENCE

NAIL IN THE FENCE

A Good Story for Great Friends.....Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence!

 There once was a little girl who had a bad temper.  Her mother gave her a bag of nails and told her that every time she lost her temper, she must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the girl had driven 37 nails into the fence.  Over the next few weeks, as she learned to control her anger, the
number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. She discovered it was easier to hold her temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the girl didn't lose her temper at all.  She told her mother about it and the mother suggested that
the girl now pull out one nail for each day that she was able to hold her temper.  The day passed and the young girl was finally able to tell her mother that all the nails were gone.

The mother took her daughter by the hand and led her to the fence.  She said, "You have done well, my daughter, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one." You can put a knife in a person and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us .

The Farmer’s Donkey

The Farmer's Donkey

A story from The Feel Good Page

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was too old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly.

Then, a few shovel-fulls later, he quieted down completely. The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovel-full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of everyone.

The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to stop wailing, and not let the dirt bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each one of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

JOKE:the wrong way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Chinese Poem: A Moonlit Night On The Spring River

A Moonlit Night On The Spring River

 原著：张若虚  英译：许渊冲

In spring the river rises as high as the sea,
And with the river's rise the moon uprises bright.
She follows the rolling waves for ten thousand li,
And where the river flows, there overflows her light.

The river winds around the fragrant islet where
The blooming flowers in her light all look like snow.
You cannot tell her beams from hoar frost in the air,
Nor from white sand upon Farewell Beach below.

No dust has stained the water blending with the skies;
A lonely wheellike moon shines brilliant far and wide.
Who by the riverside first saw the moon arise?
When did the moon first see a man by riverside?

Ah, generations have come and past away;
From year to year the moons look alike, old and new.
We do not know tonight for whom she sheds her ray,
But hear the river say to its water adieu.

Away, away is sailing a single cloud white;
On Farewell Beach pine away maples green.
Where is the wanderer sailing his boat tonight?
Who, pining away, on the moonlit rails would learn?

Alas! The moon is lingering over the tower;
It should have seen the dressing table of the fair.
She rolls the curtain up and light comes in her bower;
She washes but can't wash away the moonbeams there.

She sees the moon, but her beloved is out of sight;
She'd follow it to shine on her beloved one's face.
But message-bearing swans can't fly out of moonlight,
Nor can letter-sending fish leap out of their place.

Last night he dreamed that falling flowers would not stay.
Alas! He can't go home, although half spring has gone.
The running water bearing spring will pass away;
The moon declining over the pool will sink anon.

The moon declining sinks into a heavy mist;
It's a long way between southern rivers and eastern seas.
How many can go home by moonlight who are missed?
The sinking moon sheds yearning o'er riverside trees.

春江花月夜

张若虚

春江潮水连海平，海上明月共潮生。

滟滟随波千万里，何处春江无月明！  

江流宛转绕芳甸，月照花林皆似霰；

空里流霜不觉飞，汀上白沙看不见。  

江天一色无纤尘，皎皎空中孤月轮。

江畔何人初见月？ 江月何年初照人？  

人生代代无穷已，江月年年望相似。

不知江月待何人，但见长江送流水。  

白云一片去悠悠，青枫浦上不胜愁。

谁家今夜扁舟子？何处相思明月楼？

可怜楼上月徘徊，应照离人妆镜台。

玉户帘中卷不去，捣衣砧上指还来。

此时相望不相闻，愿逐月华流照君。

鸿雁长飞光不度，鱼龙潜跃水成文。

昨夜闲潭梦落花，可怜春半不还家。

江水流春去欲尽，江潭落月复西斜。

斜月沉沉藏海雾，碣石潇湘无限路。

不知乘月几人归? 落月摇情满江树。

JOKE:The Mexican smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Daily English: independent

每日英语Daily English

每日一词

independent　 (a.) 独立的

She loves the freedom of independent travel.svE中国英语学习网
她喜爱自助旅行自由的感觉。

每日一句

Sorry, I put my foot in my mouth.svE中国英语学习网
对不起，我说错话了

　　这就是当你说了不该说的话时，突然发觉你说错话了，就会这么说。有一次我跟老美在聊天，他跟我说某某人是 Jerk（俚语：A dull, stupid, or fatuous person），想不到他一回头，那人就在我们旁边。他就很快说了一句，"I put my foot in my mouth."（本句选自《小笨霖英语笔记本》） 。svE中国英语学习网

每日对话

Elaine: Oh, no! My stub! I can't believe it―I flushed it down the toilet! [Elaine exits the stall, and sees Mark]svE中国英语学习网
Mark: Excuse me, ma'am! You parked in the handicapped spot.svE中国英语学习网
Elaine: But, but...it was really an emergency! And, my stub...svE中国英语学习网
Mark: Don't tell me you lost it.svE中国英语学习网
Elaine: Ah, umm, kind of.svE中国英语学习网
Mark: That was quick.svE中国英语学习网
Elaine: Well, I, umm, I flushed it...

伊莲：喔，惨了！我的停车卡！我真不敢相信――我居然把它冲进马桶里了！（伊莲离开厕所，看到马克）svE中国英语学习网
马克：抱歉，女士！您把车停在残障停车位上了。svE中国英语学习网
伊莲：但是，但……这真的是非常紧急的事！而且，我的停车卡……svE中国英语学习网
马克：别告诉我，您弄丢了。svE中国英语学习网
伊莲：啊，嗯，可以这么说。svE中国英语学习网
马克：真是迅速啊。svE中国英语学习网
伊莲：这个，我，嗯，我把它冲掉了……

重点解说：

1、 flush (v.) 冲水；形容词是flushing；flush toilet则是指「抽水马桶」svE中国英语学习网
2、 Kind of 可以这么说。

The duck and condom

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

JOKE:1,000 Valentine's Day cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."